Jesters v. Headley - Sunday 1^st August 2004

Those Jesters who have played with Tony Withers this season will know that he is the owner of a device, no larger than a deck of cards, that allows him to keep pace with minute-to-minute fluctuations in world share prices and to deal with high-level e-mails from the cricketing boundary.

However, his many modes of communication do not extend to the casual verbal enquiry of his wife ‘When are we going on holiday, darling’.

Hence, faced with the stark choice of Jesters vs Headley followed by the divorce court or a family holiday in the sun with subcontraction of match mangagership, the Jesters were sacrificed.

Having exhausted most of the Jesters book and been rewarded with the (high quality) services of Greenslade and the club historian, Withers’ willing replacement manager, Will Drake, was forced to rethink his strategy.

A new European working time directive has just come into force in the NHS, which forbids any junior doctor from working more than 60 hours in a single week. Fortunately, this absurd piece of legislation does not extend to weekend cricket and, furthermore, hospital consultants continue to exert no little control over the career paths of their underlings.

Hence, when a collection of unsuspecting medical students and junior hospital staff received their instructions to report to Headley cricket ground at 1.30pm on Sunday 1^st August, they were not in a position to object. Indeed, possibly for the first time in Jesters history, the match manager received a call from a player the night before the game, not to announce his sudden unavailability, but to enquire whether he was required to sport a jacket and tie.

Traditionally, the Jesters have been a chasing side. But the judgement was made that to have won the toss and elected to field in the heat would have resulted in a riot on Headley Heath. Jesters batted. Half centuries from the first three batsmen allowed Jesters to declare on 254-3 at 4.45, a shade under half time.

An hour into the Headley reply this appeared to be an act of some charity as their opening bat unerringly dispatched any loose deliveries (of which there was a plentiful supply) into the woods on either side of the ground. Despite the haemorrhage of runs, it was apparent that two, possibly three, critical wickets would win the game.

The match turned in one over, with the assistance of a courteous, but perhaps over-zealous, umpire. One of the recruits, Yasser Hussain, a dash rusty after several years of cricketing inactivity, bowled two high beamers which, despite their modest pace and physical threat, were judged to be worthy of two (very clearly stated) warnings. In truth, the first of these did indeed pose a substantial threat - but to innocent spectators, as it soared high over batsman and keeper bouncing only once before crossing the boundary.

One delivery was then despatched brutally by the opener. But in attempting to repeat this mighty blow, the ball flew to the heavens and was snared by the reliable Greenslade. The Collossus was out. Then promptly followed a third, purportedly threatening, beamer and Yasser was immediately banned from all further bowling - articulated by the umpire with precision and, dare one say it, relish at the prospect of being able to recount the tale in future. All this in one eventual over; indeed in only three legitimate deliveries, a team mate being forced to complete the over.

With 50 runs to go and time not an issue, runs oozed rather than haemorrhaged, courtesy of two Headley yeomen - but wickets now fell steadily. With two runs to get a helmet came to the wicket, supported by the slender frame of a Headley Colt, clearly mindful of the fact that he was being bowled to by a maxillo-facial surgeon hungry for clinical experience in skull trauma. He was duly castled and the Jesters had shaded the latest in a long line of epic Headley struggles.